Employee - "I'm sorry but I can't come in today. I am suffering from Anal Glaucoma."
Boss - "Anal Glaucoma? What's that?"
Employee - "I just can't see my ass coming to work!"
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A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked.
"That's a Daddy Longlegs." Her father answered.
"So, the other one is Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.
"No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat and said "Well, we're not gonna have any of that sh*t in our garden."
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A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am? The man below says: "Yes. You're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must work in Information Technology" says the balloonist.
"I do" replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well" says the balloonist, "Everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."
The man below says, "You must work in business."
"I do" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "You don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
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A wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the tool shed in the back yard and put his penis in a vice. She then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up a hacksaw. The husband was terrified, and screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off, are you?"
The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the shed on fire.
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Q: What three words do you never want to hear when having sex ?
A: Honey, I'm home
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An old Indian goes to court to change his name.
Judge: I see your name is Joe Shitface. Is that correct?
Indian: Yes sir.
Judge: I certainly see why you would like to change it. So what name would you like to change to?
Indian: Fred Shitface
Judge: Fred Shitface?
Indian: Yeah. Me no can take it anymore. All the time people say to me, "Hello Joe. What you know." It drive me crazy!
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A female police officer arrests a man for drunk driving. While reading him his Miranda Rights, the female officer tells the man, "Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you."
"Boobs," The drunk replied.
